I’m not as geekily introspective as my blog entries would have you believe. I’m your average grew-up-in-China, graphic designer, student, budding entrepeneur, and 25 year old Mormon. Believe it or not.

I had a mild panic attack last night, and was convinced that my life was not in order, that I was going to fail all of my classes, be relegated to a poorhouse, and be fired from my job before I can quit. So I sat my bum down, and took stock of my life. It’s not as bad as I thought, and my panic attack subsided a little bit. However, I have come to one conclusion:

My life is too full right now of things I don’t like doing (#1. school, #2. work), and things that I really want to do are falling by the wayside, and it’s not healthy. So I’m lookin’ for a way out, y’all.

At Chao’s I bought:

Chinese sausage
spring roll wrappers
ground pork
dried mushrooms
potsticker wrappers
bean sprouts (the ones at Smith’s are junk)
spicy shrimp crackers
Wangwangs
dried spicy squid

The Taiwanese shop-lady told me I must be a good cook. “Only a little.” I said.

At Walmart I will buy:

tp
Hefty, Hefty, Hefty garbage bags
Garnier Fructis shampoo & conditioner
lemons
oranges
apples
peaches/nectarines
shredded carrots
1 small cabbage
green onions
frozen peas
frozen green beans
romaine lettuce
1 head of garlic
fresh sausage
spicy English mustard
parmesan cheese
sugar-free applesauce
mascara

And I need my oil changed.

I just had a sandwich from Arby’s that cost me 15 points. It was pretty good – not worth 15 points, per se. I’ll never crave it, but it was good at the time. 17 points left for the day.

I lost 5 pounds. I weighed in last night at Weight Watchers, and in for the first time ever wasn’t petrified of what the scale would say. I recorded every last bite of food for seven days, and knew exactly where I was at. I think it has to do with personal responsibility — kind of like balancing your checkbook. It’s the ignorance and uncertainty of what you’ve done that wreaks havoc on your nerves.

Part of me is amazed though, that it worked. My struggles with my body have been lifelong, and I’m always a little stunned when a “method” works. I guess that’s why I went back to Weight Watchers. It worked before. There was a difference before though… I’m not sure why, but I think I’ve been petrified of being slim. I’ve wracked my brain for a reason, but I honestly can’t think of one that makes any sense. I do know that I’ve sabotaged my past efforts, relentlessly, and usually without realizing. Again, I don’t know why.

The only thing I can think of, and I know this sounds ridiculous, is that it must be time.

I am turning out bad painting after bad painting. It’s dreadful. Once again, Peter did the whole, “Well, I guess there are some interesting things going on here.”

Trust me, there aren’t.

Bizarrely, my watercolor class is going great.

I did not see this semester going the way it has.

My grandmother died. She was in her 90s, and I’m sure she’s thrilled about it, but it’s a little weird for the rest of us. Someone asked me today if I was close to her, and I said, “Well, I’ve known her my whole life.”

How many more tiny paragraphs can I write?

It takes time to get thoughts down. I feel sometimes as though I’m snatching them out of thin air, pinching at them before they dissipate. I imagine my thoughts as wisps of smoke or web, and a small movement will gust them away. In order for me to write something down, I’ve got to recycle it. It’s a refining process that brings it into something more tangible. The thought comes out mostly the same, but with more substance and focus – like putting on your glasses in the morning. You could see the clock before, but now you can tell what time it is.

My life ebbs and flows, and I have moments of clarity where I see things (I think) as they are – not colored by my mood or the days’ chance meetings. Like a good soul song, there are moments that ring clear, and then muddy, growly refrains. There’s the chorus of everyday, and with any luck, a nice soulful conclusion.

We’ll see. It’s my first time listening to this record.